CHARLOTTE SIMMONDS is a Wellington-based playwright. Her book The World’s Fastest Flower, was published by Victoria University Press in 2008.

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5 Million Scovilles on Toast

who cares anyway I just ate five million scovilles on toast nothing matters to me anymore
I’m above living
“wots scovilles”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale
you have no idea what I’ve been through
you will never understand
“sheesh”
I’m above everything now
“you didn’t!?”
damn straight I did
not a whole piece of toast
quarter of a piece of toast
spread with 5 million scoville pepper extract
I ate it face down too
“wot that mean?”
more scovilles than pepper spray
face down, I mean the syrup went straight on my tongue
“oh”
“why?”
to see
it was the single most retarded and awesome thing I have ever done in my life
“did it obliterate your throats?”
my heart was going insanely fast
my throat I have no idea
I hardly remember it I couldn’t think of anything
alice in chains covering another brick in the wall was playing
then I went through the wall of pain
and I thought I was going to throw up
“but u didn’t?”
no, I didn’t
and then we were completely high
and I couldn’t hear very well
and I felt so stoned
but really really happy
and then when we started coming down I got an intense pain in my stomach
and then it passed
but I still feel really weird
“so u didn’t go to church then?”
yeah I went to church this morning
“how did you rate it?”
it blew my mind
I feel completely exhausted
I don't even know how long the pain lasted because I was so out of it I couldn’t gauge time
it seemed like forever
“u guyz r silly”
I feel like I’ve really made the transition into manhood
“hairs onya chest eh?”
yep