CHARLOTTE SIMMONDS is a Wellington-based playwright. Her book The World’s Fastest Flower, was published by Victoria University Press in 2008.

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5 Million Scovilles on Toast

who cares anyway I just ate five million scovilles on toast nothing matters to me anymore
I’m above living
“wots scovilles”
you have no idea what I’ve been through
you will never understand
I’m above everything now
“you didn’t!?”
damn straight I did
not a whole piece of toast
quarter of a piece of toast
spread with 5 million scoville pepper extract
I ate it face down too
“wot that mean?”
more scovilles than pepper spray
face down, I mean the syrup went straight on my tongue
to see
it was the single most retarded and awesome thing I have ever done in my life
“did it obliterate your throats?”
my heart was going insanely fast
my throat I have no idea
I hardly remember it I couldn’t think of anything
alice in chains covering another brick in the wall was playing
then I went through the wall of pain
and I thought I was going to throw up
“but u didn’t?”
no, I didn’t
and then we were completely high
and I couldn’t hear very well
and I felt so stoned
but really really happy
and then when we started coming down I got an intense pain in my stomach
and then it passed
but I still feel really weird
“so u didn’t go to church then?”
yeah I went to church this morning
“how did you rate it?”
it blew my mind
I feel completely exhausted
I don't even know how long the pain lasted because I was so out of it I couldn’t gauge time
it seemed like forever
“u guyz r silly”
I feel like I’ve really made the transition into manhood
“hairs onya chest eh?”